133 - Letting It All Go at Cruz de Ferro with Felix Peralta

We sit down with full-time musician Felix Peralta to trace how a Camino Frances singer-songwriter retreat turns foggy mornings, cafe sing-alongs, and daily miles into a finished album. Along the way, we talk honestly about grief, sobriety, and the rare kind of friendship that forms when you put your heart on the table.  

• Felix’s life as a touring musician and community drummer in New Mexico  
• Meeting Christina Jacobson, getting sober, and choosing a new path  
• Saying yes to a Camino de Santiago songwriting retreat and traveling to Spain  
• Finding creative fuel in fog, hills, cafes, and simple daily rhythm  
• Writing constantly on the move with voice notes, sticky notes, and small moments  
• Celebrating 10+ years of sobriety as a personal gift and reset  
• Cruz de Ferro as a place to release grief, lost loves, and old habits  
• Feeling ancestral connection and making a promise to stop generational trauma  
• Co-writing “Hearts on the Table” with Stefan Webster and why men need space to talk  
• Bringing Camino magic home through art, performance, and continued healing  
• Tips for returning home: keep making something that reopens the memory  

Connect with Felix:

https://felixgatoperalta.com/

Info on Kristina's Camino Retreats for Musicians and Singer Songwriters: 

https://www.singmebackhomesongwriting.com/

Hearts on the Table recording appears with permission from Felix Peralta and Staffan Wester. 

Photos and Recordings Courtesy of Sing Me Back Retreats, Felix Peralta, Staffan Wester, and/or Camino Cafe Podcast

Transcript

Welcome And Meet Felix

Leigh 0:06

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Camino Cafe Podcast. I'm Lee Bernan, your host, and I'm so happy that you're checking in with us today. I have a fantastic pilgrim with us, Felix Perrota, and he is from New Mexico, based in the U.S. And we're going to talk to him about his Camino. He walked back in October of 2024. And if you listened to Stefan Webster's episode recently, you probably remember hearing Felix's name because we talked about him very warmly during that episode. So Felix, of course, is going to be talking about going on the Camino in a singer-songwriting retreat with Dr. Christina Jacobson, which she's been on the show and she is a fan favorite. And I'm a big fan girl of hers as well. So, Felix, welcome to the show. I've been so excited to talk to you ever since I listened to your voice messages that you left for me during that walk. So it is a delight to be with you here in person. So thank you for agreeing to be on the show.

Felix 1:01

Yes, thank you for having me. Yeah, I'm definitely uh glad you reached out for sure.

Leigh 1:06

Yeah, well, I loved your messages. I felt like I was back on the Cino. Uh, you have such a beautiful way. I mean, it's no, it's no wonder you're a singer-songwriter because you just had such a poetic way to talk about your experience on the Cino, and I can't wait to share a couple of the messages so folks can hear that. But give us a little background into who you

Music, Community, And Ancestral Roots

Leigh 1:28

are.

Felix 1:28

Yeah, uh, my name is Felix Peralta. Um, I'm a musician, full-time musician. I play probably about 250 shows a year. Uh, I'm based in the mountains here of uh Albuquerque, New Mexico. Uh I also uh teach uh music at a charter school a couple times a week to uh to uh students and um I'm a lot in in the community with uh the Comanche dances here, the indigenous dances and the Macha Chinas dances. So I stay pretty busy.

Leigh 2:03

Wow. So you do the dancing as well?

Felix 2:07

Uh I play the drum for uh for the Hinisaro uh uh a land grant here that we we've been doing for you know over a couple of hundred years, and we're keeping all this music alive uh and archived as well, and that's kind of what one of the jobs that I I feel that it I need to do.

Leigh 2:27

Excellent.

Why He Says Yes To Spain

Leigh 2:28

Yeah, how did you find out about the Camino?

Felix 2:32

Um, okay. Uh you know, actually I met Christina Jacobson. This had to have been uh literally right when I got sober about 10 years ago, a little over 10 years ago, and I was just looking for maybe just myself again and different communities. And I went to a songwriter party at someone's house, and uh that's where I met her, and we've been friends ever since.

Leigh 3:00

So, what made you decide to sign up for the walking retreat on the Camino?

Felix 3:06

Um I feel at that point in my life I was uh ready for something new. I hadn't never been to Spain. Um, I was ready to uh just explore some of my roots. A lot of my roots are my ancestral roots, are in from Spain, so um I was I was just ready to try something new, and I had a few friends that were actually part of it, and I decided, you know what, let's do this. Life's short, let's do this.

Leigh 3:40

Wow, so uh your family is originally from Spain. Do you know what area?

Speaker 4 3:46

Um it's pretty much mixed, but I have a lot of Basque uh ancestral uh ancest ancestral uh roots and uh Iberian peninsula.

Leigh 3:58

Really?

Felix 3:59

Yeah, so uh my last name is Peralta, and then on my my uh mom's maiden name's uh Aragon. So yeah, we've we and a lot of my family's never been out there, so I was like, you know what? Um I'm gonna do it. Let's do this.

Leigh 4:15

It sounds like it was a real bonus for you uh actually getting to go to Spain as well, right?

Speaker 4 4:21

Yeah, and I also had uh shows lined up afterwards and uh in the UK as a musician, in the UK and uh and I went to Portugal before as well. Yeah, wow yeah.

Leigh 4:35

So had you ever done any uh long distance hiking prior to going on this Camino retreat?

Speaker 4 4:42

I've done some uh hiking just for like a day, you know, four or five hour trips here and around uh the states. Uh I guess before that, recently was like on the Columbia River, um on the border of uh Washington and uh Oregon, but uh a lot just in my state. And uh I've always just liked uh I live here in the mountains, uh the Sandia Mountains. So um Iowa was just like nature. So it was it was a it was a win-win for that for songwriting and hiking.

Leigh 5:17

So did you have any reservations or anything that you were worried about prior to arrival?

Felix 5:24

Um I think in some ways, uh just some people or you know, some family were like, Oh, I I would be careful going to another country or this, this, and that. And uh I I you know for me, I just kind of filter things out. I was like, anyways, I've I made up my mind this is what I'm doing, and uh of course I had a I had a blast.

Leigh 5:50

Which part felt more vulnerable for you? The walking part or the fact that you were going to be doing songwriting and playing and doing things with a group of people that you didn't know too well, right?

Speaker 4 6:02

Um, I think songwriting was definitely uh I was kind of before I got there, I was like, I I I don't know what to expect. And even when I first met them on the first day, I was still weary. I'm like, I don't know about this, yeah. But uh again, just things change pretty quickly.

Foggy Mornings And First Inspiration

Leigh 6:25

Yeah, very good, yeah. Okay, so on one of the very first days, uh, you send me a message and you described the walk. You were talking, it was a very foggy day, and you were talking about it, just looks like I'm in a Led Zeppelin song. Right. I was like, I love this guy, I gotta talk to him. Yeah, describe for listeners or viewers what that felt like to you. What does that mean? Because you are really in a place, right? And I was so curious what that looked like to you.

Speaker 4 7:05

I mean, for me, it was it, I was I was in a over the hills, far away place, you know, like Led Zeppelin said. I I was like, this was a whole new uh spot for me, and uh just to see just the fog and just the beautiful hills, and I was just in awe, just just walking, and uh I was just in my own kind of zone for sure, and very inspired,

A Cafe Song Sparks An Album

Speaker 4 7:32

very inspired.

Leigh 7:32

Let's start with a message where you're inside a cafe and Christina is singing, and you kind of talk about the experience there. I'm just gonna let you hear it, and then we will talk about it. Okay.

Speaker 3 7:57

Can we make it to the next town?

Speaker 4 8:12

Nice coffee shop. Beautiful day. Singing three miles an hour with Christina Jacobson on guitar. Everyone's just following along in a small little bar. Coffee shop. It's a beautiful day for a walk. It's so inspiring. Uh everyone's I was getting along. Uh I think I'll have a whole album by the time I'm done here. Uh I think that's the inspiration of the Camino for today is just as you could hear through the window, people laughing, drinking some wine, some coffee. I think I'll find me a cup of tea and just watch from the window. Spectator. Just brings me to tears of happiness. So today's thought for today is just love and community. Wow, yeah. Yeah, it's that took me back. That took me back. Uh just so many uh rush of emotions of uh just how I was feeling at that at that moment. And uh yeah, I was still I guess I wasn't really weary of who I was with. I I knew I was in good company, but uh uh I think I've at that point I felt like this release of like, okay, it's it's everything's everything's good, everyone's happy, and uh, you know, we're getting along, and and I was feeling very positive about um you know writing some new songs, and that's pretty much what I did. I did write a whole album by the time I got I did. I put out a whole album after I got home. Yeah.

Leigh 10:06

Wow.

Speaker 4 10:06

Yeah.

Leigh 10:07

Have you ever written a whole album in a in that same amount of time?

Speaker 4 10:12

Well, um, no, I mean it was again, it was like this rush of I had so many notes that I took home. I had like sticky, sticky notes. I love like writing, you know. So uh had like sticky pad notes all over my you know my backpack, and I got home like some like you know, crazy scientists with uh ideas to build something, and uh, and I did.

Creativity, Ancestry, And Grandpa’s Accordion

Leigh 10:38

Okay, I I I really want to talk to you about this because I am really curious about how the Camino, a long distance walk, the power of the Camino in itself. What in your opinion about that experience aids creativity?

Speaker 4 11:02

Um I think to speak for myself, um, I felt again, you know, some of my ancestral roots um, you know, that I was like summoning. I was like, I felt uh and I also brought my my my grandpa's uh accordion with me that I walked with. Um and my you know my grandpa passed away in the night you know around 93. But I I've my I've had his accordion for so long and and uh I felt inspired. I was like, I'm doing it, you know, I'm doing it for us, grandpa. And that was kind of one of my inspirations. And um I think uh you know, uh again, just being in some someplace new and away from all the problems at home, and you're just the with your thoughts and and just it really opened me up for sure.

Leigh 12:03

Yeah, do you remember that cafe? Do you remember standing outside there?

Speaker 4 12:07

I do, I do. I I it took me back. Uh I I remember just feeling like uh like a a kid, like overly happy, where I I had to like run outside and like giggle or something, you know, and like wow, is this really happening? You know, and uh just kind of looking in the window, like kind of like again, like I said, like a spectator of of uh maybe an out-of-body experience of you know, looking looking at looking at it through a glass of what we are doing, you know, it was big. It was magical, it was very magical.

Leigh 12:46

It sounded like it, like I could hear the joy in your voice, and truly every message that you left, it had this like I really felt like I was right there with you. You were so expressive. And I wondered, did the Camino bring that out more in you, or is that just like you normally?

Speaker 4 13:05

Right, yeah, I think I go through phases for sure of uh inspiration of and uh just you know just feeling the joy like that. But uh yeah, the Camino definitely just it it opened me up to something I would I have just never in my life even thought I would do, uh let alone uh be doing at that time with with some friends. Wow and my instrument.

Leigh 13:34

You knew a couple of the people that were going on the retreat aside from Christina?

Speaker 4 13:39

Okay, I did. I so I knew uh Christina Jacobson and a friend April, April Goats.

Speaker 3 13:44

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 13:45

So April, I've I've knew her from way like probably 15 years ago, and then we kind of separated ways. She went to live wherever, and and I hadn't seen her for years, and then she had moved back to Albuquerque, and she's actually the one that told me, like, hey, you know, Christina's doing this, it'd be kind of cool if we'd if you did that too. And I was like, well, I could I think I can make this work, and I'm so glad I did.

Writing While Walking And Morning Runs

Leigh 14:13

So another thing that I'm really curious about, I've I've walked several Caminos, but I've never walked a Camino where at night I was singing with other people or working on a creative project at the same time. You know, a lot of times after a long walk, I'm just it's enough to get dinner and go to bed, and so I'm just wondering what it was like for you doing both at the same time.

Speaker 4 14:45

Um I I I felt good, I felt um I felt you know inspired to write on the Camino, and I was using my own kind of phone as well for notes, you know, just for audio, uh, just little clips here of this and that, uh little sayings, and uh um I I think it worked out good. And uh even I felt like I had even more energy, like uh, you know, in the mornings when everyone was waking up, I would actually wake up earlier for reasons, a few reasons like okay, I'm gonna beat everyone to the shower. But also, I was like, Well, you know, maybe it started that way, but then I started running again before everyone. I just started uh you know, just a quick early morning jog to get things going.

Leigh 15:37

What you were running on on the mornings that you were walking?

Speaker 4 15:41

Yes, yeah. So, you know, everyone would be waking up, and I'm like, all right, it's time to get up real quick, and I'd run in, take a shower, and then I'd and then everyone's kind of barely waking up, and I was like, it just if again it inspired me for uh reasons like that too. I mean, I I got up and uh started running in the morning, and it was it was it was great. I did the whole I did that uh pretty much every day on the on the Camino.

Leigh 16:10

Yeah, do you only run at home?

Speaker 4 16:13

I I do, I I I run a couple days a week, but uh it it really like inspired me to like to do it again. Like I guess I just other than just the the healthy reasons for it, but I was like, I just wanted to see more, and I just wanted my eyes to just see how beautiful it was all the time and and uh and in the mornings are just amazing. So I I felt I felt inspired just to just to walk or run.

Sobriety As A Gift To Himself

Leigh 16:44

Wow. Now, one of the things that you had talked about in a few of your messages is that you were celebrating a long period of sobriety. So talk a little bit about what that experience was like to be able to celebrate. I think at the time that you walked, you were at like eight years sober now, 10 years old.

Speaker 4 17:03

Yeah, 10 years over.

Leigh 17:05

Congratulations.

Speaker 4 17:06

Thank you, thank you. Yeah, 10 years sober, a little over 10 years, and uh it was it was uh again, I felt like it was a a gift to myself for you know just some of the harsh things that I had to myself, you know, prior, you know, before my sobriety. And uh it it it was uh it was just it was it was a really nice thing to just be able to um just walk and and and again not need anything and just feeling high on on on nature and so it was definitely a gift for myself.

Leigh 17:46

Yeah that is beautiful.

Speaker 4 17:49

Yeah.

Cruz De Ferro And Letting Go

Leigh 17:50

Let's listen to a message when you reached Cruz de Ferro. Um I was really touched by this message, and I want to talk about several of the things that you talked about in this message. So let's I want to let you listen to it to refresh your memory and and then we'll talk about it.

Speaker 4 18:11

Today I let go of so much here at the Cruz de Ferro. Things that don't serve me, lost loves, old habits. I say goodbye to my mom I lost in July. I opened my heart to so much love. I'm so happy for the abundance I do have in my life. Here in the mist is where I find myself. Here in the mist is where I get inspired to continue on this journey of life. And leave things for the next generation. Not just musically, but just kind-hearted with love and compassion towards the person next to me. Alone and happy to be in this world that I can create and bring joy and love to myself and others. Wow. That's that's making myself cry.

Speaker 3 19:39

I can see that. Jesus.

Leigh 19:46

Well, the morning I heard that, I would wake up to these messages. And the morning I heard that, I was quite emotional too. And listening to it again, I feel like you talk about so many topics and this one message that I think we all face as humans. And you know, one universal one, unfortunately, for all of us is grief, right? And you know, you had just lost your mom very recently to this walk. So let's talk a little. What was her name?

Speaker 4 20:18

Her name was uh Petrita Aragon. Um she was married uh as as Brown, so Petrita Brown. Um she uh definitely always pushed my artistic expression, you know, from uh a young age. Uh and her her dad was uh the accordion player. So there was always music around, you know, growing up. So um yeah, it was it was really fresh, and you know, some people were like, Are you sure you want to go still? And you know, those there was so much you know emotional feelings at that time, and uh yeah, just listening to that message, um it took me back. Like, like um, you know, I I feel still like I just hadn't seen her like she just left, you know. It still feels really fresh. Um but um yeah, I I I in my heart in my heart I I knew she wanted me to go and and be there and uh and uh again just to feel those feelings just with just sober, you know, and just and knowing that I was like I was crying all the time walking by myself, you know. I would I would wanted to walk alone and uh I would just just let it out. I would just ball crying, just you know, and then someone pass them all. Oh hey, how's it going? You know, and you know I know exactly.

Leigh 22:01

I didn't think a person could cry as much as I cried on my first Camino. When you got to Cruz de Ferro, um, you know, a lot of us lay down burden, we um try to lay down some of that grief processing. When it first came into view, can you take us back there? You know, because you're you're walking up kind of, and all of a sudden you see Cruz de Ferro. At what moment did you feel like some grief? You talked about letting go of past loves, you you talked about a lot right there. So when did that come into your mind? And what do you think it was about that walk that day?

Speaker 4 22:47

Uh that walk was very foggy that morning. Uh I was walking pretty much alone. Uh, I knew where we were heading, so I was kind of already kind of getting myself ready for it. And you know, the little things that I had that I was gonna leave, um, and what I was gonna leave uh that don't serve me no more. And uh I was I remember because I was listening to I I had got to play with this really famous uh uh Galician uh gaita player years before, like four or five years before I'd came to New Mexico. His name was Carlos Nunez. And uh I had got to play with him, and on that walk, I had my headphones on and I was listening to uh just some beautiful, you know, Galician music. So I just and I felt just this energy of like wow, I I've been here before. My family's just just has passed through here. You know, I felt uh my ancestral footsteps you know, I could hear their I could hear their steps, I could hear their you know, their voices, and um it it brought out a lot of uh emotions. And I guess from there when I first actually saw the Cruz de Ferro, I I was it was really uh uh you know, and it was a big energy with everyone that was walking, you know. Once you I think everyone at that point feels some sort of somberness, and you know, you just kind of look around and people kind of just either leave something there and then walk um to a certain area and just to be alone to either pray or or just do what they do, and I think I felt the collectiveness of that as well, and you know it was it was a a relief of some sort of leaving things, and uh also um just to tell myself again, hey, you know, this is what you said you were gonna do, and um I believe in yourself and believe in believing who you are and what you what you what you want to do, what's your passions. So it was a lot of a lot of uh a self-talk. And it was it was uh and it was a lot of positive self-talk, like don't forget who you are, and again with my mom, you know, her there saying, Hey, don't forget where you came from. And uh yeah.

Leigh 25:49

So you felt a little lighter.

Speaker 4 25:52

I felt I felt lighter, yeah.

Leigh 25:54

Did you physically you actually took things that you left there?

Speaker 4 25:59

Yeah, just I mean, they're just really just little small things that I had with me, you know, that uh um musically, um and uh I had um just a couple of uh small rocks that I had had brought, you know, from home. And just little just little small little pebbles, you know. But it it it it meant a lot because the those things that were here at my house where my mom uh and used to live. So uh I know you know it was from the garden. I know I know if they were uh she was she was part of it.

Leigh 26:42

Yeah. And when you think about the fact that those rocks and those items are still there.

Speaker 4 26:50

Right. And and now it's like this collective of and you know, and I feel that that somberness. It it it's letting letting it out of your your soul and your you know yourself and as a collective with the other people, it's it's a it's a healing, it's a definitely healing feeling. And I felt I did, I felt lighter and I felt like hey, all right, you could you could go on and things are gonna be okay. Yeah.

Leigh 27:26

And and that's such a gift when you're going through deep grief.

Speaker 4 27:31

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And you know, again, just being uh, I didn't I wasn't doing any like alcohol or anything, and I was just like it was uh, you know, again with my sobriety, it was also like, hey, I'm proud of myself. You you've come this far. And uh you're doing good and like let go of the things that have don't serve you no more and things that are uh you know just negative self-talk, you know, of of certain things. And you know it looking back now, you know, it's it's it it has, it's it's really opened my eyes to a lot of things. Really? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, I feel I feel I've you know I I I look back and I was like, there was some I was stuck. I was there's a lot of things where I was either worried about that I shouldn't even be worried about, and and um just you know just little negative self-talks of of uh of being human. Yeah.

Speaker 3 28:41

Wow.

Speaker 4 28:42

So yeah, it definitely it was it was just just uh a a whirlwind of uh emotions and you know finding myself or re finding myself. Yeah, yeah.

Grief, Community, And Ending Old Cycles

Leigh 28:58

Why do you I I've interviewed a lot of people and I've had a similar experience on the Camino with grief. What just in your own opinion for yourself, what was it about the experience, the place that it gave you access to process some grief that you weren't able to quite process at home?

Speaker 4 29:24

Right. Um I think uh being snuff again when I was talking about being kind of stuck is you get stuck into the 40 hours a week, um just deadlines, uh things that need to get done, and some things that like again when I was walking, like, did I really need to do that? You know, did I really need to rush to get those things done, you know? So um, but with all those gone and just just the Camino and walking and uh just hearing your footsteps and and seeing other uh pilgrims on their own journey, it was uh I felt the collective of of of the energy of everyone's like they're either leaving something behind or they're they're they're trying to be uh better themselves or walking for you know for grief. And um I felt the connection from here in New Mexico because we do a few uh pilgrimages uh uh that are kind of tied to the Camino. Uh you know, because New Mexico has a pretty uh um eclectic uh kind of background of people, and uh the Chimayo is one of the pilgrimages here, and that's kind of connected to the uh to the Camino. Yeah, so I I felt like I was doing stuff for not just me, but a lot of my uh I guess trauma that's been in our family, and alcohol was one of them, you know, where it was just uh, you know, through throughout throughout our ancestral, you know, through the last couple hundred years that I know, you know. And uh I I felt then I was like, you know what, this is it. This is I am putting a stop to it. We don't need this no more.

Leigh 31:42

Wow, that is really powerful.

Speaker 4 31:45

Yeah, yeah. And uh and I've recently just said that again, you know, recently. I'm like, I'm putting a stop to that. We don't we don't need that. And and everything that comes with the with with with with those things, you know, so it was I felt I felt like I was uh not only uh being healed, but the healer as well.

Leigh 32:15

Whoa, say that again.

Speaker 4 32:18

Uh you know, I I felt like not only was I healing myself, but I also felt like I was the healer. Yeah.

Leigh 32:27

That is so beautiful, Felix. Oh can you give listeners and viewers like just an idea of like how did that feeling come about? Like um you felt like you were healing, you yourself were healing, but also giving healing. How how so? Where where did that how did you feel that?

Speaker 4 32:49

Um, um I guess when part of it was at the Cruz de Ferro and some of the things that I left behind, and just just things from you know my family and how I was raised, and um, you know, just from you know from a couple of generations back, uh even just one generation back, um just just the way they uh interacted. And I think it was just from a lot of trauma that a lot of um our ancestors had. And now I feel like we have so much knowledge of healing and uh to heal ourselves and uh to be okay to cry, you know, where I grew up where it was like, well, you gotta hold that in, you know. Boys don't, I don't know what boys ain't crying around here, you know. And I'm like, yeah, and I'm like not only am I a Leo, but I'm like uh artist, and growing up, I was like, but actually, I feel like crying, I don't know, it's okay because I'll go cry in the corner over here. So yeah, I think um, you know, just just and traumatic and dysfunctional living, and I I definitely just told myself it was again self-positive talks to myself. Like, hey, I'm done, done with that. We don't need that. It stops here in the next generations. Like I said, I was I said that, and you know, for the next generations, and it doesn't have to be anything that you know, my own children, just the you know, the people I like like the kids I teach, and you know, the anyone that I interact with, I want them to know you know, we we healed ourselves and we want we want love. Yeah.

Hearts On The Table With Stefan

Leigh 34:56

Yeah. Well, that is a great uh segue into one of the songs that you wrote. And and this was with Stefan, and so folks that have already heard that interview with Stefan, they're familiar with the song Hearts on the Table. And I want to start off this part of the conversation with I was so touched about with your messages and Stefan's messages about this day when you were sitting together at a cafe and the songwriting started happening there. And what touched me is I feel like in the press, there's always a lot of stuff out there where we hear that men don't get a lot of opportunities to have heart-to-heart conversations with other men, that women seem to be able to more easily do that in our friendships, and it's harder for men. A lot of men don't have a lot of other men that they can confide in and share their deepest thoughts. And when I heard messages about that situation, I was like, this is so beautiful. Here are two men walking the Camino. Yeah, they've been assigned to write a song together, and I'm just curious what your feelings were that day. Can you take us back to sitting at that cafe? What it felt like to you. Was this a new thing for you to have another man to sit and share so deeply with? Because you didn't know him from before. You just met on this trip, right? And so take us back to that cafe and what it felt like to be sitting and having this heartfelt moment of sharing about your lives and how that then became a song that you later came home and professionally recorded together. And now that's out, which I will play that at the end of this show. So for folks that want to hear Hearts on the Table, stay all the way till the end and you will hear the song in its entirety. But can you give us the background and what you felt like in that moment at that cafe?

Speaker 4 37:04

Yeah, um, I think I have to go a little bit back to like when I first met uh Stefan in uh real quickly in in Madrid, you know, the first time I we all kind of met. And uh even then I was like, it was again, I was feeling weary, you know. Like, I don't know. And when I I remember when I first met him and I saw him walk in, I was like, and who's this guy think he is anyways, you know, with his striped shirt on, and and I was just feeling this, you know, it wasn't like very negative, but I was just like, I don't know, I don't know if I'm gonna, I don't know if I've if I if I made the right decision by coming, you know, yeah, and then uh again we seriously just became like best friends, you know. And you know, it was like I remember Christina like, okay, well, uh Stefan and uh Felix, uh, you're gonna bunk together. And we like looked at each other like, yes, like we were kids. Like, all right, man, you get the top bunk, and I'll get the bottom bunk. This is great. So um, yeah, and then you know, from then on, uh we were really inseparable, and so taking taking us back to the cafe, we had already kind of opened up to each other about kind of what we were feeling, and uh, I definitely opened up, I think, a little more, you know, and I you know, I was telling them how it was what was happening, and uh you know, because it was a lot, it was a lot going on when I left um on the Camino. So our assignment was to write a song, and uh we're everyone was actually in in the cafe at that time, and uh um Stefano was like, So where should we go? Where where should we go? And I just kind of looked at him, I was like, you know what? Um, I think this is he said something, and I said, you know what? I think this is the song, this is it. We're sitting in it, we're right here. We're we're at the table, we're having a couple of cortados, and we're talking, like I think you know, men should talk to each other. And uh he's all okay, well then so everyone kind of left, and we just sat right there at the table, and uh um he's all well tell me what you're thinking, and uh it kind of it kind of went from there. It was like, well, you know, I haven't seen her in quite a while. There's a growing distance, you know, as the days go by. He's like, he's writing it down. Okay, okay, tell tell me more. And uh I I think that's what I think that's what he had said. It was like, you know, our hearts are on the table, you know, it's okay. Well, I'm and I felt open to talk talk to another man about these things and not feel uh ridiculed or criticized or whatever, you know, which I've felt, you know, in my past. And I left I left the Camino uh, especially with that uh friendship, um opened me up to so much and helping so much more people and just being open to myself.

Leigh 40:39

Yeah, what a gift!

Speaker 4 40:41

Yeah, it was such a big gift, yeah. It was a big gift, and you know, I I remember us writing the song down, and I was like, Well, those are pretty good lyrics, and he's all he hadn't really had his part, and he's oh, wait a minute, I'll be back. And he like went for a little stroll and came back. He's all I gotta write my part now. And I was like, Oh wow, so he felt inspired at that moment because he wrote that whole his kind of verse part and in literally you know, a couple of minutes, and it was very, I mean, it's once you hear the song, you'll you'll hear his his take, and it was it's it's open, it's very open, and it's it's it's like I don't care who hears it, I don't, you know, my family's gonna hear this song, and uh I'm being open how I'm feeling at this point.

Leigh 41:31

Yeah, well it's a beautiful song to to hear, um, you know, and now having heard your messages and now interviewing both of you, knowing which parts of the song or the lyrics belong to each of you. It's it's such a a beautiful thing to hear men expressing heartbreak and different kinds of heartbreak and sitting and literally putting your heart on the table.

Speaker 4 41:57

Yes, yeah, yeah.

Leigh 41:59

I think so many times men are like, I'm okay, yeah, I'm fine. Oh, kids are going up to it.

Speaker 4 42:05

Yeah, yeah, just hold it in. It's okay.

Leigh 42:08

That's all right. I'm fine, I'm fine. And right we're fine. You were fine, yeah. So expressing. Um, so it's a beautiful song. I really love it. So we'll thank you. We'll play that at the end so everyone can hear it. I wonder, are there other songs? You said you you wrote a whole album. Is there another song that stands out to you that you wrote during that time that you're really proud of, or feel like it was also part of your healing process?

Recording New Songs And Lifelong Friends

Speaker 4 42:37

Um, yeah, there's another song I wrote uh called Midnight Rendezvous. Yeah, and it was kind of a a collective of the whole my whole trip, but a lot of my the late night walks that I would just walk. And uh again, it was yearning for for for love or for love that love that was lost. And um and I just felt uh yeah, so that song's really touched my heart. It's called Midnight Rendezvous.

Leigh 43:11

Midnight Rendezvous. And is it all spot by it is, yes, it is.

Speaker 4 43:14

Okay, and actually, um actually Christina Jacobson sings the uh the backup vocals on it. Oh, really? Yeah, so when I came home, I again I was feeling so inspired, and I was like, we're gonna record this song, and I want you to be on it, and we recorded it here at my house. Yeah, gosh, so you'll definitely hear her voice if you hear it.

Leigh 43:37

Yeah, uh Stefan talked about that. You then uh went back and you visited him after the Camino, and you guys were singing together live, and like that is such a beautiful result of this Camino, right?

Speaker 4 43:54

Yeah, I mean I've I found longtime friends, you know, they're those are my friends forever now. We are BFFs for sure. Yeah, uh, he met me in Berlin. I was playing a few shows in Berlin, and uh that's actually where the cover photo that's a whole other magical uh experience, too. We were like, we have to go, you know, with his accents, he's like, we have to go find some hearts, we got to put some hearts on the table. So um, I don't know, some kind of candy hearts. I was like, okay, well, so a whole day was uh uh looking in in in Berlin. No, actually, it wasn't in Berlin, it was in we were in Vienna. And uh he met me in Berlin, but this day we are in Vienna, so we spent the whole day looking for candy hearts or some sort of hearts to put on the table.

Leigh 44:50

So okay, I didn't realize that. So that's an actual photo, or did somebody then sketch it?

Speaker 4 44:56

No, that's that's a photo we took, and then I kind of ran it through some of my you know my effects on my computer. But that's a photo, and it took us like again, like the the day before, because he's he you know, he's very uh methodical. So the day before tomorrow we will go look for these hearts and uh see what we find. I'm like, okay, that sounds great. We're gonna look for some hearts, and you know, and we found the perfect hearts to put on the table, and we're like, you know, we took the next day we put lots of shots, you know, overlooking the the table, and we finally found the perfect picture. We're like, this is it, this is the one, this is the one.

Leigh 45:44

So I love it. Well, there will be a link, everyone, in the show so you can click on that and listen to the song as many times as you want on Spotify and all the rest of Felix's music. Uh and I encourage you to check out his Instagram. I was looking at it this morning, and it's just beautiful. He has you'll see. Check out his Instagram. It's really nice.

Who He Is After The Camino

Leigh 46:09

Before we end, I wonder if you could just reflect for me on, you know, I'm sitting here with Felix two years post that coming almost, I guess. How is a guy sitting in front of me different than if I had met him back a few days prior to that walk?

Speaker 4 46:33

Wow, yeah. Um I you know, I I'll say this pretty loosely, but I I felt like I was kind of a mess, you know. I was it was little things were all over the place and uh my emotions were uh were running high. You know, I'd lost my mom. Um I was out of a relationship. Um I felt I felt alone in in many ways. I felt I felt like an orphan, you know. I didn't know who to like really reach out to. Um I I felt sometimes by myself. I didn't want like I didn't want to be alone, you know, at that point. And that's why on the Camino was was great. But I yeah, I felt a lot of different uh I had a lot of great ideas, but I feel um I feel now I I I feel great alone, you know. I live I live here in the mountain house. Uh I live with my little cat who loves me, and uh uh I feel just inspired to to to do what I I feel like my mission in life is to do and that's to be an artist and to put out lots of different kinds of art and and to heal and to heal myself and keep keep on the healing uh you know track and or camino and and help others. Yeah.

Leigh 48:08

It sounds like it was a beautiful reset.

Speaker 4 48:12

Yeah, it's definitely a a reset needed. And it I think it took me a while when I got back to like even come back to you know, of some sort of reality of of day-to-day life. Where I I I even now, uh like we went to eat with my family last week, and uh my niece who's never been out there, she's like, I was seeing this TV show and I saw the Cruz de Ferro, and I told my boyfriend you've been there. And uh I was like, Yeah, I sure have. And I sent them a few pictures, and and I, you know, I was looking at these pictures, like, wow, yeah, I was there, and uh they're like, I want to go. I was like, let's go. So yeah.

Leigh 48:56

Whoa, whoa. So are you gonna walk into their Camino or is that?

Speaker 4 48:59

I I definitely want to, yeah. I'm I'm definitely ready to go again. I a lot of my friends like I want to do it, I just don't know how. I'm like, I'll show you the way. Let's go.

Leigh 49:11

Come on, grass sound. Yeah, that is fascinating.

Coming Home Without Losing The Magic

Leigh 49:15

I you know, you brought up a really good point, and that is this when you have a really great Camino that feels so healing, you make all these new friends, you you got your bunk mate, you know, you got Stefan here, you're sharing a room with him. And then for those of us that live on our own or even in family, we can come home, and it's kind of a shock to come back to, you know, we'll call it real life or camino post-life.

Speaker 3 49:45

Right.

Leigh 49:45

Do you have some tips for folks that maybe are getting ready to walk their first Camino to share with them, you know, anything that you learned about returning and and and not losing that edge, that healing that you gained while you were on that Camino, because it can be a little jarring to come back.

Speaker 4 50:07

Right. Uh I think, you know, to speak for myself and maybe some of the others that I was with, again, we were on a songwriter, you know, workshop on the Camino. So I feel uh blessed in ways that I still feel the magic when I sing these songs, and I sing them all the time, and people love them. So I feel like it's like uh like I'm opening up a book of my of my life and like all right, you know, I'm gonna sing in the song. I'm gonna I'm gonna say a few passages of where when I was you know in the Camino. So I think, you know, just definitely writing, you know, write as much as you can. And uh I think yeah, I think writing a lot, you know, pictures are great, but uh you know, it's some sort of art for sure to keep to keep those memories alive for sure. And I I feel it every day still. Yeah.

Leigh 51:08

Wonderful. Well, I think Christina is doing two more singer-songwriter retreats uh year. So uh if anyone is interested, I'll have the dates in the show notes and a link to uh uh information about those upcoming retreats because I mean I want to go now after hearing this.

Speaker 4 51:26

Right? Me too. I'm like I'm like maybe I should go again soon.

Leigh 51:31

Who knows? Maybe you will. It's a really beautiful story, Felix. And I I feel very honored to be able to have those messages and to um you so vulnerably sharing about yourself then as well as today. I I I hope that whoever needs to hear this message of what the Camino can do for you, this type of experience, uh, I hope that they will hear this and and maybe go and and walk themselves. So thank you so much for being here today.

Speaker 4 52:02

Thank you for having me, Leah. I appreciate it.

Closing, Final Voice Memo, And Song

Leigh 52:05

You're welcome. Well, everyone, that's that's a wrap for today's show. Please be sure to check out the show notes. Stay here at the end. I'm going to play a little bit of a message that he left on the last day. So you'll hear one of Felix's last messages uh when he was at Casasusie's in Travadello. It's a beautiful message. And then I will play Hearts on the Table so you can hear that beautiful song that he recorded professionally with Stefan. What a treat it was to meet you today. And I'm just so happy that the Camino brought so much to you, Felix. So thank you everyone for listening. And Felix, if you'll stay on, we'll say our goodbyes. But everyone, thank you for being a supporter of the show. I hope by hearing these stories that you feel inspired to walk. I know you do because I've met pilgrims and I've talked to many, many pilgrims that have heard these stories and feel the inspiration to go and walk. So we hope to see you on the Camino or maybe at a show. I don't know. I don't know where we'll see you next, but take care, everyone.

Speaker 2 53:04

Last night, the albergue case.

Speaker 4 53:14

As you could hear them playing bits of flamenco, talking around some wine. It's over. The final concert in Villa Franco went amazing. Everyone did so good. I was like a proud Tio uncle. Just watching everyone big smiles and tears of joy and tears of we made it. I will continue my journey of sobriety and love and faith and community that I've learned here on the Camino. Much love. Thank you to the facilitator, and thank you to everyone who participated that turned out to be my friends forever. BFFs. This is Felix signing off.

Speaker 1 54:48

Come on in. Let's sit down and have a coffee or a glass of wine when you walked in through that door. Will you see in trouble? Won't you tell me more?

Speaker 2 55:11

I haven't seen her for quite a while. There's a growing distance as the weeks go by. My love keeps text. But her heart is free. She's looking at something. Might not be me. Hearts on the table. Searching for something. Hearts on the table. Somehow we'll get fruit. But for now, a toll in your company is fine. Yes, for now. The moment for our thoughts to end twice. That's just fine.

Speaker 1 56:18

For you at me. Well, I have no answers. That's the way love goes. I guess you gotta hold on what you really know.

Speaker 2 56:42

My cup is empty, but for me, my friend, just get the target. Copy back with me.

Speaker 1 57:16

Well my kids moved out. I didn't see it coming. Just me and my wife now in that old house. And it all got quiet. Made me kind of scared. What if our fire would no longer be there?

Speaker 2 57:40

I have no answers. That's the way love goes. Guess you gotta hold on. Do what you really know.

Speaker 1 57:52

My cup is empty. Let's have some wine. Just sit in here, talk. Make me feel so fine.

Speaker 2 58:06

Hearts on the table. Searching for some truth. Somehow we get true. But for now, a carton company. Just for now. Moment for a thought to it. That's just fine. For you and me. For you and me. For me. For you and me. For you. For you me. For you and me.